bros before rose

by chadthunderdome

sophie spencer

Now more than ever it is more difficult for men to trick women into sleeping with them. COVID has put a particular strain on everyone’s ability to get laid – without drinking 6 pbrs in one hour and burping constantly in the corner of a party, how will I ever woo anyone? If I can’t catgun in front of a crowd, who will ever return the love that so clearly protrudes from my soul? 

Winter brings more challenging questions. When it’s too cold for sailing, showing off my sea knot tying skills just isn’t the same. The pain of such questions stings all the deeper on 

Valentine’s day. NOBODY likes ripping their Juul in their living room while your roommate gets it on because it’s some consumerist holiday!

 So how do we remedy the pain of being alone?

For years now, woman have been celebrating “Galentines” day. Cool, great- but what about one for the fellas? Even though this Valentines did not fall on a Saturday, this day was still for the boys. We called it “Bros Before Rose(s).”

 So how do you set up your ideal Bros Before Rose night? It’s a simple multi step process:

Step 1: Acquire PBR. Ask your roommate’s girlfriend to borrow her car, I don’t care. The night isn’t happening if you don’t have beer. 

Step 2: Drink beer… pretty self explanatory. 

Step 3: Once you and the boys are feeling good, sit in a circle together and just talk about life. Really use this as an opportunity to open up to your boys. Discuss your feelings, check in with each other’s mental health. Allow yourself to care for yourself and open that care to others as well. 

Step 4: Bring out the Ouija board. Now bear with me here, light some candles to set the mood and have everyone place their hands on the planchette. 

Step 5: Commune with the spirits. I know you rewatched Avatar over the summer. Channel your inner Aang and just vibe in the spirit world. 

Step 6: Summon the dead. Bring out your iron cauldron and gift it the blood of three chickens. You can get these at the nearest Hannfords or from your neighbor with that chicken coop. Set the cauldron over the open flame and chant the name of the dead you want to return to your dimension. We chose to summon English occultist and renowned power bottom, Alleister Crowley. 

Step 7: Now the fun begins. Remove your clothes and strip down to your given life form. Everyone presents themselves to each other, and begin sensually touching one another. Mr. Crowley by Ozzy Osbourne plays in the background, and Crowley himself joins in on the fun. He enters you. You all become one entity. 

So yeah that’s pretty much how to have a fun night with your boys to keep the no-Valentine blues away. Hope this guide helps.

Categories: cooler, february 22 2021

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