by staffitystaff
In a desperate attempt to make this semester bearable, UVM has decided to spread a litter of firepits in front of the Davis Center. Here is what our staff thought we should use them for:
Escape WE
As a resident of Wellness, I use the fire pits to indulge in luxuries I do not have in the commune. On the commune we do not have technology, and we are forbidden possession of clothes lines. On Thursday nights I spend my time drying my clothes above the fires. Often, instead of having my nightly grain rations, I will sneak to the fire pits and cook myself popcorn, or a small bird. I often use the fire to warm myself, as my husband forbade me and my fellow wives from using fire for anything but sacrifices on the commune. I am very thankful for these fire structures.
Crying
As Adele once said “fire to the rain” so I shed my tears amongst the flames. It’s a cozy place to have a mental breakdown 🙂
Existential Dread
The firepits are used to remind us that the comforts of the 21st century are temporary and that at any time they could be taken away. Say goodbye to the sweet comfort of the dorm laundry room, the single working vending machine, the twin sized mattress. Pretty soon we’re all gonna be in tents searching around for the nearest Boy Scout who actually remembers the rules to building a fire. Better start practicing your hunting and gathering, y’all.
Debauchery
DO NOT light a doob on the fire pit. CAMPUS POLICE WILL COME IF YOU START A CIRCLE AT THE FIREPIT. That being said,,, the firepits have served us UVM students well in the time that they’ve been there. As is customary with UVM culture, weed was involved the first time I used the firepit. Firepot hahaha.
Bathroom
Listen. You know by now that I am an avid supporter of normalizing pissing WHEREVER. Of course, this includes the firepits. Now, however, I must also address the fact that the firepits offer the ideal warmth and light not only for pissing, but also for taking a shit. In fact, I have come to prefer the friendly glow of the fire to the cold, harsh tile of the bathroom. No human was made to shit in completely sterile conditions. Make a bold change. Piss and shit wherever calls to you in public, even on campus. You’ll find me by the firepits.
Share the Fire
Arson has to start somewhere, right? Why not by the firepits? Sure, they’re likely to be removed if we get irresponsible with them, but who cares! Who could resist the allure of watching that fire dance and spread as one shares it from one pit, to the nearest tree, the grass, the library, et cetera, et cetera… Share the wealth, share the warmth, share the fire.
Poetry </3
There’s nothing quite like writing a broken-hearted poem about betrayal by the glimmering light of a fire. Better yet if your betrothed has recently become entangled with a paramour and you suspect that you may never find love again. There’s just not an overhead light that properly satisfies the cravings for a light that isn’t light because nothing can truly be light anymore. Candlelight would work, but obviously fire is prohibited on campus (outside of the firepits, of course.) So, we gather ‘round the flames, we sons of woe, to lament the cruel hands of Fortune and Nature, knowing not which woman to curse first and foremost.
Summon mothman
10 sightings in Chicago recently. Keep your eyes on the skies. He may be there soon.
Asado
Well, funny story. We started using the fire pits for the classic marshmallow, until someone was like ‘hey! We should totally grab some beefhot dogs up in this bitch’, to which we began roasting weiners. Since then, we’ve graduated to roasting full chickens, striped bass, pig spit roasts, hell, we’ve even popped a whole cow on there! We’re gonna keep going until security catches us! Oh, can comeone bring some A1?
Categories: November 17, 2020, side bar