the musktrix

by savinobarile

izzy glow

Galactic entrepreneur, lactose intolerant, and owner of the world’s most confusing accent, Elon Musk is a jack of all trades. Although his resume is comprised of such feats as the acceleration of private spaceflight, putting electric cars in the zeitgeist, and getting a proxy invite to the Met Gala, it seems his most significant work still lies ahead. In 2016, Musk founded the Neuralink Corporation, which is currently developing the aptly named ‘Neuralink,’ a device that, when implanted in humans, will allow us to communicate with technology from our brains using magick. Musk sees this integration with technology as a key step to curbing the unchecked rise of AI, which he sees as an existential threat to humanity’s future and his replies section. How will he make anti-lockdown quips if he is relentlessly ratioed?

While Musk sees the future of Neuralink as the solution to neurological issues and telekinetic Apple Pay, praised by MIT as ‘highly speculative’, I believe that the Neuralink, if wielded with expertise, can lead to the creation of a superhuman consciousness, a cybernetic rhetorical gladiator, the exact weapon Musk needs. How is Elon supposed to deliver humanity from its stupidity if he’s being criticized at every turn?

It was Albert Einstein who said, ‘”I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”. The might of a nation/firm will no longer be determined by who has the fastest, loudest, most expensive fighter jets. If we can slap a Neuralink into the brain of every 16 to 27-year-old boy who has a print of Musk holding a blunt on in their room, it will have even more tactical media power than a $99.99  ‘Vicelord’ plan on ‘Get IG Followers Now Plus! Official and Real Follow Count Increase’. 

Let’s say for example you have been deployed as part of this elite force. You have dug yourself a foxhole deep in the comments section of the Roadster hurtling through space video. As you wipe a tear from your eye, you notice that somehow through the sea of admiration a one ‘Punished_Scorpion435’ has broken ranks to ask,

 ‘I wonder how many Congolese children fell into a pit getting lithium so this dude can compensate for the fact even his wife thinks he’s an asshole. What a clown.’.

 Activated, your eyes roll back into your head. From the blackness, an infinite web of binary expands like the cosmos. You expect to feel overwhelmed, but it’s just the opposite. The zettabytes upon zettabytes of interviews, articles, and hot takes have been chronicled in your hippocampus. You can navigate this global information nexus like the back of your hand. Demolishing these heathens is as instinctual and effortless as a SpaceX rocket crashing and burning into the ocean. It takes only a millisecond to algorithmically assemble the most devastating response possible. 

‘You absolute fucking pussy. I’m sure that’s why he quadrupled and split his stock price amid the worst economy in a decade. Of course, you wouldn’t you don’t even have Robinhood Premium son. You’re fucking embarrassing yourself. I bet you went all-in on Nikola sheep bitch. You wouldn’t know greatness if it melted your face with a limited edition flamethrower. Do you know how complicated sustaining a marriage is? That bond, like the entirety of the human experience, ebbs, and flows. It is a journey through the highest peaks and the deepest valleys. Where’s-my-hug-at-ass motherfucker. ’.

 The light returns, at first slowly, then, in a rush. Jolting back to reality, you collect yourself. Sweat soaks your Under Armour sweatshirt and while it feels as if several hours have passed, you were only out for a second. Overwhelmed by a warm euphoria, you see that your comment has been upvoted several orders of magnitude greater than your opponent—utter and complete ownage. 

If you consider yourself a member of the human race, it is your duty to fight for a world where commuters from Houston suburbs can take the Hyperloop to Long Island City to fight in Tron-style gladiator battles against haters. You must make a choice, to embed yourself with this technology to defend the messiah or face de-resolution on the Grid. Ask not what Elon can do you for you, ask what you can do for Elon.

Categories: news, November 17, 2020, savino barile

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