Man vs. Mold: Sparring Spores and Classism

by michaelhaydon

sophie spencer

The way humans tell our history is often characterized as good versus evil. The bible follows this pattern. Twilight follows this pattern. I think. People who don’t understand that Star Wars is really just about cool flashy lasers think it’s a classic of the genre. I come here today to bring you, Reader, an epic of light versus dark: A certain off-campus residence versus a persistent mold infestation. 

The issue began insignificantly. I mean, what’s a little shower mold between three twenty year old men? But that little bit of shower mold slowly became a nice fuzzy carpet of shower mold. Nice on the toes, a little bit meaner on the lungs. We donned our rubber yellow gloves and attacked it with a vengeance. I think we just made it angrier. Our bread now becomes moldy after just a day or two. Let’s have a moment of silence for all my August First baguettes. May they mold in peace forever. The final straw was when my roommate’s girlfriend who has a mold allergy decided she couldn’t be at our house anymore. The mold had gone too far. Emma is a gem. 

We emailed our landlord. Surely the property owner had some responsibility in demolding the house he cares for. As it turns out, he does not. He sent back an email that can only be described as the embodiment of the shrugging emoji. I had a moment of awakening. The mold is not my enemy, it is my ally. There is no eternal struggle of good versus evil, there is only class warfare, and landlords are the orcs of this fairy tale. The mold and I had a nice chat. We’re friends now. It actually has really good taste in music and we’re gonna go to a concert together when those exist again. It decided to stop sporing me and we’re gonna transport it to the landlord’s house. It’s gonna spore him until he stops charging us rent. From there it’s going to find out who the landlord’s landlord is, and so on until we reach the final landlord boss. The world will finally be ridded of landlords. There is no good or evil, but god landlords suck.

Categories: around town, michael haydon, November 17, 2020

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