gloves vs. mittens (foot edition)

by b.s.

sophie spencer

Having recently given into the societal pressures of wearing socks when it’s below freezing outside, I’ve constructed a comparative analysis of toe socks vs normal socks. The former, like gloves for the feet, the latter like sock puppets sans decals, and fitted around feet rather than hands. This article will assess each sock’s ability to complete day-to-day tasks. 

Water dowsing

Water dowsing, a popular midwestern pastime, is essential to life at UVM. Being more than 300 miles away from any body of water, students find themselves forced to scour campus with the water dowsing sticks provided to each student along with their CatCard and roomkey on move in day. This practice is fundamental to student life, as water is needed for showering as well as washing chamber pots. Socks must reach three criteria: A) ability to grasp one’s dowsing stick, B) ability to hold water, and C) ability to withstand extreme temperatures.

Toe Socks:

A) …are the ideal socks for holding a water dowsing stick due to the five individual sleeves for each toe. 1/1

B) …are able to hold water, and when full, the humble toe sock resembles an udder. This is extremely important to students in CREAM. 1/1

C) …are not able to withstand extreme temperatures. When treading on the smoldering ruins of the Harris Millis complex, a wearer’s feet will be burned. 0/1

Normal Socks

A) …make it very difficult to grasp one’s dowsing stick. 0/1

B) … are able to hold water. Does not resemble udder. 0.5/1

C) …are not able to withstand extreme temperatures, toes become frostbitten when searching for water in tundra biomes. 0/1

Riding the GMT blue line

The GMT blue line, starting in DownTown Burlington and ending at Amtrak in Essex, provides essential transportation services to archaeology students interested in visiting the newly filled St. Mike’s burial grounds. Based on common bus courtesy, each type of sock must reach three criteria: A) ability to play footsie with other passengers, B) ability to keep balance while standing, C) versatility as gloves when forced by bus driver to pump gas.

Toe Socks:

A) …are the perfect footsie socks. Wearers enjoy an extremely intimate experience when grasping toes with bus mates. 1/1

B) …allow the wearer to firmly grasp the floor with their toes whilst standing on the bus. Gum can also be separated from the bottom bus seats for a long ride snack. 1/1

C): …are not great gas pumping gloves, as toe slots are not finger length. Regrettably, 0/1

Normal Socks:

A) …allow for intrapassenger footsex, but it’s very dry. 0.8/1

B) …do not allow passenger to dig toes into the porous bus floor, and instead will send passengers into an infinite somersault while the bus is in motion. 0/1

C) …are the ideal gas pumping socks. The wearer may wish that the bus driver would stop making them pump gas for the city busses, but that’s free market, baby. 1/1

Sunday night dinner

Sunday night dinner is an integral part of American family. With grandparents over, prayers said, and a meal cooked with love in the kitchen by all seven of the sock-wearer’s siblings, it’s no wonder UVM allows students to return to their home state every Sunday, regardless of pandemic restrictions. In concordance with these values, each sock type shall be evaluated on three criteria: A) ability to scale 20ft chain link fence between the approximate hours of 1am and 3am, B) ability to function as a tourniquet, C) running, faster than you ever have before.

Toe Socks:

A) …make for a very fast climb, protecting toes from sharp edges on the fence while also keeping feet warm and fashionable. 1/1

B) …are fantastic tourniquets, due to the long slender nature of the creature. Effectively stops bleeding in extremities, but are often tied so tight that limbs cannot be salvaged. 0.9/1

C) …allow user to run upwards of 15mph, with each toe able to propel itself off the cold, dark, unforgiving ground. 1/1

Normal Socks:

A) …are able to fit between the diamonds of the fence, however, the climb is clumsy and untimely. Other escapees may become irritated with the user’s pace and opt against hanging out again. Score: 0.5/1

B) …could function as a tourniquet if torn, but might not be strong enough to stop profuse bleeding. 0.6/1

C) …have the unique ability to fit inside running shoes, allowing the user to become virtually unstoppable. He will never be caught. 1/1

In Conclusion

Toe Socks > Normal Socks. Normal socks are only good for one thing. I will not elaborate.

Categories: November 17, 2020, reflections

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