what i learned today: how did i get all these bruises?

by salivapussyeyes

How did I get all of these bruises?? Let’s hypothesize with the people who know me
First and foremost, for all of those who have their minds in the GUTTER, I must

address the distinct posibility that kinky sex has left me with countless bruises. Per-
haps the bruises on my knees are the result of too

much time spent being FAR too giving. (THAT’S
again, since my parents are likely to read this, it is
far more plausible that I got these bruises by being a
good little Christian.
One good-little-Christian way that I could have
gotten these bruises is from my friend Naomi.
Naomi, or “Gnome” as she is affectionately known, plays the drums, and she’s pretty
freakin’ good at it, too! I know this for a Fact because Gnome sometimes shares her
drumming skills with me. When her drums are out of commission (drums are meant

to break if you’re playing them with enough heart) she uses my legs– hence the bruis-
es. I don’t mind it too much, she’s pretty good about doing it when I am fast asleep.

This way, I’m not disturbed by the noise, and she’s not disturbed by my watchful gaze.
Win-win. Usually the bruises aren’t this bad, though, so it must be something else…
Truthfully, I have been in a few fights lately. The first was with a tree. As any
good UVM student knows, there are countless climbable and loveable trees to
be found on our campus. Unfortunately, for every tree that welcomes a human
into its arms, there is also a tree that is kind of a bitch. I tried to show one
tree some affection by catapulting myself into its arms, but it just let me fall.

This major let down turned into a verbal altercation, then things got physical, and my
roommate, Stanga, had to pull me away. (I’m sorry, Tree.)
The second of my brawls was set in a mysterious land. You see, I have been to the

beloved “Munchkinland” from the Wizard of Oz. It’s an interesting place, really. Un-
fortunately, I was not in the right frame of mind when I traveled there. In my irritable

state, and with the confidence of some munchkinjuice,
I ended up in a munchkinfight. I take full responsibility

for my violent actions, which landed me in munchkin-
jail. Did you know that they just call it “jail” there?

Although these bruises may look like the type you
might get from a bicycle, a Razor scooter is more likely
to be the culprit. Did you know that Razor scooters are
(aptly) named that because they’re designed to slice
your skin wide open? Those fuckers are DANGEROUS for a number of reasons. I went
over a ladybug on mine (sorry, Lady) and ended up doing a 180 degrees spin mid-air.
Razor scooters are cute; mine always comes with a free trip to the hospital.
A myriad of animals have been suggested to me as the source of my bruises. It is
quite possible that a cat did this. Their perception of human morals are skewed, they’re
not always properly affectionate. Yeah, this could easily be a cat. It’s also possible that
these bruises appeared after my daily sunset walk with my elephant. I will be giving no
further explanations about this one. My elephant prefers to remain a secret and I will
not divulge too much information about their habits.
The last animal that is the most likely culprit is GOD HIMSELF. (Vengeful S.O.B.)
God did this one indirectly because God made me to bruise like a fuckin peach. And
that’s anemia, babeyyy.

Categories: 8, November 17, 2020

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