In the year 2008, God’s favorite filmmaker Catherine Hardwicke was brave enough to bring the first Twilight film into the universe, and Robert Pattinson subsequently hung from a tree in the town of Forks, Washington and uttered the words that shook up the world: “Hold on tight, spider monkey.”
Since then, I think we can all agree things have gotten worse. Subsequent Twilight movies were released, matching the pattern of humanity itself by getting perpetually worse over time. Think about life post-2008 and be honest with yourself; hopes were dashed, y’all! The country fell apart post-Twilight, and that can’t be a coincidence. Our hopes for cool fun president Barack Obama got all twisted up in foreign wars and the inevitable disappointment of American democracy. National disillusionment and fundamental brokenness came to such a head that in 2016, The United States saw what was probably the most destructive presidential election in American history, and could only cope by throwing itself further and further into dark, brutal oblivion.
As a country we’ve gotta get back into Twilight again. I genuinely think it’s the only thing that can return us to some semblance of stability. A couple weeks ago, my roommates and I kickstarted this pro-Twilight, pro-popular democracy, anti-fascist movement by putting up a public poll on the door of our dorm room. Our question was a simple one, a query that has ignited the flames of popular discourse since the great scribe Stephanie Meyer first penned her psychotic Pacific Northwest vampire opus in the innocent year of 2005. You know the question. We all know the question. Are you Team Edward or are you Team Jacob?
Because this question was pretty much as hotly contested by middle school girls in movie theater bathrooms in 2010 as the issue of abortion by middle-aged politicians in every year ever, we expected a pretty significant turnout. Hella tally marks. So you can imagine our surprise-slash-total-disgust when we realized that pretty much nobody was voting on that shit at all.
And then we thought, wait a minute. Let’s back up. Let’s zoom out. Let’s take a tip from our anthropology professors and look at this from a global scale. Isn’t this indicative of a bigger problem? Can’t we trace the reluctance of our fellow college freshman to choose between a vampire and a werewolf to their reluctance to choose between two other strange beasts who happen to be taking up a significant space in the national consciousness?
I think we’re all too aware of the national election that is, in all likelihood, at the very moment you’re reading this, creating inescapable civil unrest and chaos. Every day we are force fed news of another catastrophe, as well as the idea that we as Young Voters are the only ones who can fix it, whatever “it” is. It’s true that this election has been looming over our collective head for four years. It’s true that we’re all a little sick at our stomach with the choice, or lack of choice we have been presented with. It’s all a nightmare. And we’re right here, stuck in the middle of it. So, if you’re looking to involve yourself in some civic action with lower stakes, I suggest you try getting back into Twilight again. The decision is yours to make. The polls are still open. And there are no bad choices. Unless you vote Team Jacob. If you vote Team Jacob, you’re a Republican.