new, progressive symptoms of covid-19

by samstillman

sophie spencer

Covid-19. It’s ruined your travel plans, canceled numerous fancy dinners, and even shut down Disneyland! It seemed like this virus could not get worse, however, if we learned anything in 2020, it’s that hitting rock bottom is just an illusion. There’s always room for life to get worse. 

The virus has infected roughly 8.5 million Americans with symptoms such as fever, coughing, chills, respiratory failure, and some other mild symptoms. But now, the virus has mutated, developing a new, very concerning long-lasting symptom. 

It was first seen publicly back on October 12th, as President Donald J. Trump spoke at one of his rallies. He had recently departed the hospital after his brush with the coronavirus. He was lively, no longer on top-secret steroids unreleased to the public. The president spoke with pride, in more than one sense to say the least. As he stood atop a podium he cried out that he was going to kiss the entirety of his audience. He said, “I’ll kiss everyone in that audience. I’ll kiss the guys and the beautiful women. Just give you a big fat kiss.”

Now, at first, this doesn’t seem all that unsettling. Trump in the past has loved dancing around issues of consent. But one must truly investigate his word choice. He only declared he was going to kiss “the beautiful women”, but posed no discrimination against kissing a person of the same sex with any level of attractiveness. He truly longed to kiss another man. 

Some may say, “well gee, What if he’s faking it for the support?” His base is full of white supremacy, homophobia, and misogyny. Do you REALLY think that he’d ‘come out’ for their support? Also, what is Mike Pence going to say? Use it as an advertisement for shock therapy?

Covid-19 has turned the president from a cisgender straight man into a biohazardous bisexual (arguably, with a male preference). At first, I shrugged it off. I thought “okay, maybe it’s just a one-time thing” but then I looked in the mirror and gasped. 

I caught covid in March, before it was cool. My doctor even put TWO exclamation points on my test to assure everyone knew that I was a hazard to society. I had a cough, fever, chills, and lethargy. But of course, the most dangerous symptom of them all had just crept into my life without me noticing.

When I was non-contagious, I was frequenting the men’s flannel section and plaid slowly took over my closet. I knit myself wool beanies. My nails just stopped growing, forever to be short. Girl in Red invaded my playlists. My converse became glued to my feet. I had violent urges to cut off my hair and join a softball team. 

The coronavirus was turning me gay too. 

To those who have not gotten symptoms, please, do not panic. There are ways to protect yourselves. Wear socks with your sandals. Slap on some axe body spray. Inject bud lite into your veins. You’ll make it through this. 

Oh. Maybe wearing a mask and washing your hands might be helpful too. 

Categories: news, November 3, 2020, samantha stillman

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