Wednesday, January 20, 2021
It’s been a crazy 78 days since the election started on November 3, 2020. With Joe Biden and Donald Trump dying mysterious untimely deaths that very night, only one man was left to pick up that heavy mantle. Having been certified by doctors as “immune to covid”, and “having an incredibly large schlong,” today, Bernie Sanders will be sworn in as the 46th president of the United States. It turns out, when both candidates die on election night, the person that becomes president is the person Nevin Bonak prefers, look it up, it’s in the Constitution. So, you’re welcome.
Republicans haven’t been sitting idly though. As soon as the Republicans in the Senate realized the jig was up, every single one of them fled to Alaska (which is no longer part of the United States), except for Mitt Romney, who is still pretending that he’s like a nice guy or something. They all perished immediately of course, lacking the thick fur required for the Alaskan winter. This left Democrats with complete control of the Senate and a majority in the house. Of course, the Democrats still acted like they were somehow being stopped from governing or accomplishing anything of value, but at least we didn’t have to look at Mitch McConnell’s stupid face anymore. What kind of dumb name is Mitch anyway? Every Trump supporter in the country had their brains crumbled immediately and they all stopped working, like the droids at the end of the Phantom Menace. (Did you know George Lucas named the racist alien villain in that movie after two of our least favorite Republican? His name is Nute Gunray and he is named after Newt Gingrich and Ronald Ray-gun. There now you learned something.)
As the first president without a political party since George Washington, Bernie has a lot to live up to, and it remains to be seen if Sanders’ socialist policies will bring a new golden age to our country or wait, no, that’s just what is going to happen. In fact, Bernie has already been living in the White House since November 4th, he showed up to the front door and Mike Pence was too Midwestern to not invite him in and also too Midwestern to ever kick him out. In his first week as pseudo-president Sanders nationalized every bank, even the foreign ones. In his second week as pseudo-president Sanders set about his ultimate goal of making anime real. In his third week Sanders added sixteen new rights to the Constitution as amendments, including the right to avoid eye contact, the right to not get your haircut if you don’t want to mom, and the unalienable right to one cat girl for each man, woman, and child in these great United States. Hold on, Charlene wants me to pet her. Okay I’m back. Don’t worry, Sanders also repealed the patriot act, reinstituted the Glass-Steagall act, and of course created a universal healthcare system that is the envy of the world. In his fifth week Sanders ended winter, unless you like skiing, in which case winter is all the time now. The next five or so weeks he chillaxed at home waiting for Inauguration Day, having earned it, bro.
Luckily, the country was surprisingly enthused by these changes. Serendipitously, 70% of the country independently decided to get really really into reading Engles, Weber and Marx on November 2, and also really really into anime. As soon as Bernie’s ”win” was announced, the proletariat took the streets in celebration, tearing down statues of old white men, and putting up statues of rappers and their favorite Instagram dogs.
The people and governments of the other nations of the world were similarly excited at America seemingly finally getting off its ass and doing one good thing. “Fucking finally”, the president of Denmark, Mette Frederiksen was quoted as saying, “The United States” had finally elected someone “reasonable” and not a “dick weed.” Except she said it in Danish or whatever. If I was brave I would write something about Israel here but I’m not.
All of the “enemies” of our country threw down their arms and pledged undying friendship. This paragraph doesn’t really make any sense, because the issues involved with modern-day war are much more complex and can’t be simplified down to just being friends. For example, how would we resolve the disputes that the wars we’re fighting are over? Yeah, I don’t really have the answers, but I bet Bernie would.
Here’s to the next four years.