With so much uncertainty on a day like today, we thought it would be a good idea to focus on that which remains certain. And what is more certain, inevitable even, than death? That’s right, to get your mind off the stressful chaos of the election we have decided to comfort you with a series of eulogies and obituaries of some our most hated and favorite things and people. Please enjoy this break from election, brought to you by death.
My Moldy Chicken
Although it usually survives five or even six days in the refrigerator My Moldy Chicken grew fuzz within four days of grilling it.
Mall Goth
The mall goth has unfortunately passed away from their battle with Amazon and other online retailers. Mall goths were passionate about Tripp pants, Antichrist Superstar, and fighting “the system” by spending their free time in the epicenter of corporate retail. They are survived by one sister who’s a total prep, and their parents who still don’t get it. Memorial services will be held in the Hot Topic after school, if your brother can drive us home.
Maple Syrup
Waffles or pancakes is an age old debate. Soon, the answer will be neither. Due to climate change maple trees will no longer be able to grow effectively. Snowpack is critical for the sap dormancy period, and without it maple trees grow 40% slower than usual. This reads disaster for sugaring operations which have already been struggling in recent years. Maple’s native range will shift quicker than we can grow them, and we will be unable to harvest their sap for syrup production. Eventually, we may be tasked with describing what maple syrup was like as future generations may not get the chance at a taste.
Donald Trump
President Donald Trump died late last night, age 74, after succumbing to illness. Despite what many would believe, it was not the Covid-19 virus that killed him, at least not directly. As a result of his previous infection and the weapons-grade drug cocktail he was on to cure it, the Forty-Fifth President of the United States was immune to further infection. This led to him descending from his podium at a New Hampshire rally late in October and kissing every single man, woman, and child in the audience after confusing the words “immune” and “invincible”. Tragically, this mistake cost him his life, as he contracted the swine flu from the lips of the president of a local police union. Requiescat in pace, President Trump.
Joe Biden
A moment of silence, please, for former Vice President Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. Though he was a horrible man who should be held directly responsible for millions of people dead and incarcerated as a result of his active role in the crime bill and Iraq war, we shouldn’t forget the little things that made him the person we all know today: racism, rape, and a generally violent and cruel demeanor. However, there is one thing you can’t fault him for, and that’s his love for his son: Robert “Hunter” Biden. Despite the fact this his idiot child was his campaign’s greatest liability, Joe never stopped caring for him and supporting him. For that reason, and also the reason of his incredible racism, Joe left it in his last will and testament that all of his votes in the 2020 Presidential Election should go to Hunter. Congratulations Hunter, and we’re so sorry that this has come at the cost of your father’s life.
America
To quote one of my favorite artists, Supa Bwe, “We’re fucked.” All of our heroes have become villains (we are looking at you, Lil Wayne), California as well as many other parts of the country has been on fire for literal months, we are in the midst of a pandemic, climate change is well, still a thing, and the presidential candidate who is supposed to not be a total piece of shit can’t even commit to the idea that the lives of human beings are most valuable than property. And that is just a short list. Oh, I almost forgot, the drummer from Paramore is now a sound cloud rapper. You know, thinking about it now it may be a good thing that America will soon rest forever. At least you can smoke a nice joint while society collapses around you. Oh wait…
Weed
With options for president and vice president a gnark and a gnark versus a gnark and a gnark, the probablility that we see federally legal marijuana any time soon is incredibly low. Regardless of which candidate wins you can be sure to see a resurgence of D.A.R.E. programs in every state in the country which is sure to wipe out the devils lettuce. Children will be indoctrinated into a secret police force specifically designed to punish those who choose to partake by screaming loudly in public places at high pitches. Wait, they do that anyway nevermind. Fuck them kids.
Windmill Birds
It’s true what they say – no one looks out for the little guy. Throughout the past year, we’ve all witnessed countless members of Generation Z stand up and say, “Hey, we should really do something about the whole ‘climate change’ thing, huh? Like shit’s already hitting the fan and no one’s really done anything yet.” Well, you know what else are getting hit by gigantic fans on the daily? Birds. Tens of them, surely. Exxon-Mobil knew that they were causing the Earth to get warmer, but one thing they couldn’t have predicted? The death of bushes of birds by the Liberals favorite eyesore.
Categories: November 3, 2020