by threeballsbedwetter

Although igneous dikes and human dykes have many factors in common, the two could not be more different. While an igneous dike comes into being when a crack in the earth allows hot magma to reach the surface by squeezing its way between other rock formations. When the magma is cooled and crystallized, the result is an igneous rock nestled within another rock formation. A human dyke tends to be a very cool female-identifying individual who enjoys the “company” 😉 of other very cool female-identifying people. Obviously these homophones have more in common than just their sound; for example, men don’t know how to talk to either a dike or a dyke. But can we say that the needs of dikes and dykes are the same? For that question, I’ll need to inquire further.

You may know our dyke, Marissa, from my interview with some of our friendly Burlington leopard geckos. When she’s not chauffeuring lizards, Marissa enjoys being a lesbian. Our igneous dike was found near the Dam in Winooski. Although this dyke and this dike have never met, I will be asking some questions to see what is similar and what is different about this stone and this stonER. 

Q: How do you tell time?

Dike: I am a rock. I do not tell time. 

Dyke: My watch. It is digital, waterproof, and in military time. Maximum functional.

Q: Do you now, or have you ever, had a mullet?

Dike: I am a rock. I have never had a mullet. I do not have hair. 

Dyke: Yes. I am a former mullet-girl.

Q: What kind of car do you drive?

Dike: I am a rock. I do not drive cars. I do not leave this spot. But if I were to drive, I’d want something with a solid frame. Something like a Subaru.

Dyke: A Subaru Forester. Her name is Henrietta. (I’m a really stereotypical lesbian. I’m realizing that now.)

Q: Do you have a skincare routine?

Dike: I am a rock. I do not have a skincare routine. I do not have skin. My surface is constantly being weathered, so every couple of million years or so I (technically) have a fresh face showing.

Dyke: Absolutely not. I wash my face once a day and have not conceptualized what kind of moisturizer I might need.

Q: What kinds of shoes do you wear?

Dike: I am a rock. I do not wear shoes. I do not have feet. But if I did, I’d probably go for something sturdy like a good pair of vegan Docs.

Dyke: Ummmmmmm anything that I don’t have to tie. Any amount of effort is too much effort. I usually wear white slip on sneakers, and when those die, I get more white sneakers. Why? Why would I buy white shoes? Oh, also Birks.

Q: What does a lesbian bring on the second date?

Dike: I don’t know. A rock?

Dyke: Religious trauma. Internalized homophobia. 

Author: The correct answer was “a U-haul.”

Q: Do you like flannels?

Dike: I am a rock. I do not wear flannels. That being said, I think they are very cute.

Dyke: Yes, I own thirteen flannels.

Q: If you could kick anyone’s ass, who would it be?

Dike: Just chuck me at Trump.

Dyke: Literally every single one of the people on Pawn Stars. They all make me uncomfortable solely based on the way that they look. The generic white men… it just… rubs me the wrong way.

Q: How do you feel about (human) men?

Dike: I am a rock. They do not affect me. So I feel “meh” about them.

Dyke: Ummmmmm I,,,, Hate men. I’m gonna be honest. I HATE men. But do I constantly inundate myself with friends who remind me of twelve year old boys? Yes. In fact, my best friends remind me of twelve year old boys.

Q: I’d like to conclude with a question that I ask all of my interviewees. If you could eat sushi off of anyone’s (dead or alive) body, who would it be and why?

Dike: I am a rock. I cannot consume gastronomic material through an oral orifice. But I guess probably Dwayne Johnson… the Rock.

Dyke: Napoleon Bonaparte. I would like to know if his penis matches his physical size and that big ass personality… yeah. 

Categories: 8, November 3, 2020