by savinobarile
One of the marvels of the Information Age is the speed at which Wikipedia editors can change verbs to the past tense. One such moment occurred on August 26th, when the esteemed Jerry Falwell Jr., after years of service at his esteemed alma mater, earned the esteemed title ‘was the president of Liberty University.’ Years of adultery, boozing, and dirty business have led “Jerry” ‘to his forced resignation. Today, rather than defend JJ’s character, I will tell you why his actions, and the University of Liberty lifestyle, are the bedrock upon which Western civilization stands.
Liberty is the nation’s largest private Christian university, as well as the largest online university. Its remote curriculum consists entirely of expertly curated PragerU videos. The university was founded by Jerry Falwell Sr., prominent 20th-century televangelionavist and the father of Jerry J. He is remembered for being a violent critic of the Vietnam War not being ‘all-out’ enough, as well as proclaiming that ‘Any sex outside of the marriage bond between a man and a woman is violating God’s law.‘
In almost unbelievable contrast, Jerry and his wife Becki embarked on the third most generic porn plot of all time, starting an affair with the pool boy, Giancarlo Granda, at their Miami hotel. Granda, himself possessing a name of phallic character, engaged in what authorities classified as “sexual” acts with Ms. Falwell. According to Granda, not only was Jerry aware of this violation of the 7th Commandment, but would observe in the room and, often, (always a trendsetter) remotely.
It’s easy to look at poor Jerry and think, this guys a bastard!, this guys a sonovabitch!, or this guy knows how to have a good time!. Reserving judgment for the time being, I ask you, reader, to consider: Do you think Jerry enjoyed this? Do you really think he wanted to spit on the grave of his father, and on the values of everything he holds dear? No, dear reader, he did this for one reason, and one reason only— for the students of Liberty. At an institution where skirts, alcohol, and pre-marital sex are forbidden, most students aren’t even aware of the hedonism they are being shielded from. By his engagement in these anti-fascist, anarcho-mutualist, marxo-anthropic, agro-puncturist, “sexual” acts, students are able to live vicariously through Jerry and learn about the world. Next time the students of Liberty are tempted to pleasure themselves, the image of a drunken Falwell, posing like Michelangelo’s Adam, will flash through their mind, immediately neutralizing any threat of sin. He takes risks that his peers cannot yet comprehend: like so many wise men of our generation, he makes moves in absolute silence.
Why didn’t Gary Derr have the vision and courage to open the campus back up in full? With Vermont having some of the lowest reported cases in the United States, the student body has been coddled into viewing this disease from afar. On the other hand, Liberty has over 1000 students and faculty in quarantine as we speak. A hands-on understanding of this disease cannot be bought, it must be forged in the fires of acute respiratory failure.
When is the last time we saw a member of this administration throw their ‘values’ in the garbage to teach us a better way of being? How will Grossman bros ever land top-shelf private equity internships, when they haven’t even seen their school execute under the table real estate deals with their president’s personal trainer? Jerry Falwell was able to expose “deep holes” in Virginia tax code for students to bookmark, while simultaneously constructing a new athletic center, a task that UVM seems to be unable to achieve. Simply put: good, honest business allows for the mind to be lazy. While BA majors are busy reading the Patagonia Fall/Winter catalog for their midterm, Liberty students are likely scouting windowless garment factories to launch their 3rd party Trump merch.
UVM prides itself on its welcoming campus environment and on the idea that students should be given a voice and that the faculty should listen. If UVM wants even a shot at staying in the competition, that must be done away with. Liberty Mutual’s greatest strength is its strong culture of fear. The concept of watching your tongue (lest you lose it), actually allows for more time to reflect on what you say and allows for maximum utility of business hours. The first action UVM needs to take is to give the Wellness Environment full control. This silent, painful, poorly branded coup needs to be accelerated. After mobilizing the microchip implants that come with every WE Promise, their residents will sweep through the dormitories, and the elites will feast upon a smorgasbord of contraband shake, IPAs, and Light Blue Spirits. Once Jim Hudziak has a Tuesday afternoon Falwell level buzz going, he will be part the bureaucratic seas. His dreamlike state will allow him to rip alpha moves such as the absorption of Champlain College, merging with Sodexo, and liquifying Leadership and Social Change. It is only when UVM becomes a ruthless, corporate hellscape, that students will have the anxious, primal, apathetic mindset to thrive in this world.
It only took the blatant, bloodthirsty vision of one man to elevate Liberty University from having to rent their gym to the local rec basketball league, to buying the Dallas Mavericks. It took that same man’s blatant hypocrisy to enlighten a generation on how to live on the edge. It took that same man’s blatant drunk posting on Instagram to bring his dynasty down, and Jesus to his knees. While UVM sits idly by, watching the seasons pass, revenue streams remain stagnant, and us dreamers can only dream of our Prime™ future. Who will be the one to rise up, to deliver us our utopia of maximum vertical integration. Is it you, reader? While you ponder this, I will leave you with the parting words of another great man, Jerry Falwell Jr., who used the words of the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. ‘…free at last, free at last. Thank God almighty, I am free at last!’.
Categories: October 20, 2020, savino barile, Uncategorized