2020 quarantine halloween

by wtstaff

This Halloween is on track to be the  spookiest, most disappointing one yet! Due  to the lack of party hopping on Isham this  year, our staff has gathered together some  alternatives to The Traditional Halloween.

I will be going into my backyard, digging a small hole, and making a potion, small child style. I’m thinking three handfuls of dead leaves, one handful of grass, a spoonful of mac and cheese, water from the hose, one jug of spiked apple cider, and a big stick to stir it with. I’ll call my roommates over and ask if they want a sip. They will accept, we will all drink from the dirt cauldron, and be filled with halloween joy 🙂

There’s no shame in buying a neighborhood sized assorted bag of individually wrapped candies from CVS, going back to your room, laying them all out on the floor and then systematically eating them all in one night. It’s Halloween! 

I’m going to spend it the same way I do literally every other night in college so far: crying. Maybe I’ll be festive and do so with some Reese’s pumpkins. 

I’m prob just gonna put some scary eye makeup on, then stand in front of the mirror screaming in terror for 20min. 

I’m going to do the spookiest thing I ever could: my taxes. 

Replacement Halloween Idea: Save every penny for 2 weeks up to your closest paycheck before Halloween, eat ramen and sinkwater if you have to. Just make sure that when you get your paycheck you get one of those uhaul trucks and then drive it directly to Trader Joes. Go in and buy ever box of Dunkers they have and then have someone bring out more and buy just as many of them as you can and put them in the uhaul and then back home and then make a huuuuuuuuge fort out of them.

I’ll spend the night looking wistfully out my window onto North Union, pondering life and mortality, cause nothing’s scarier than self actualization and imminent death 🙂

Personally I will be watching the movie Zodiac for 24 hours straight. However many times it takes to get the job done. By the time November 1st rolls around the only faces in the world that I will recognize are those of Jake Gyllenhaal, Robert Downey Jr. and Mark Ruffalo. There are other characters but I don’t really care about them as much. My goal is to virtually become David Fincher. I’m tryna get scary this Halloween, and, I mean, a movie about a bunch of white dudes in San Francisco? It doesn’t get scarier than that. 

For a truly scary Halloween experience, I’m considering not smoking weed this October 31st. Maybe I’ll even watch the news. Nothing quite more frightening than sober reality right now!

I will dress up like the grim reaper and go house to house with an empty cup in hand. I will enter, whether my neighbors like it or not, and scrape a little wax from their candles into my cup. Once my cup has been filled to the brim I will go to my bathroom, burn it, and use the melted candle to wax my eyebrows. Lastly I’ll pour the remaining melted wax into a large candy bowl and set it on the front porch for trick or treaters. 

I’m going to get a big scary horse and put a pumpkin on my head and ride around, and every once in a while i’m going to take the pumpkin off and reveal that I actually have NO HEAD and everyone will be very scared of me and I will laugh a booming, spooky laugh and nobody will be sure where it’s coming from because I have no head

Listen. “Halloween” gets all of the credit for being a kick-ass holiday about drinking and eating candy and other such debauchery. I think we should get back to the root of what Halloween is really about– church. This Halloween, take up a group of friends and join your local church choir for some classic Halloween caroling. 

As a resident of Wellness, I will spend my Halloween much like every day of the week. I will rise early to milk the communal goats, and myself and my fellow wives will kiss our husband and leader, Jeff. I will care for the children this day, and as dusk approaches I will tell my kin of the horrors of marijuana. They do not eat candy. We are a sugar free commune.

Categories: October 20, 2020, side bar, wt staff

%d bloggers like this: