the fish side of tinder

by samstillman

In early October, I let my loneliness get the best of me. I took the walk of shame to the app store and downloaded tinder. After strategically analyzing which interests to choose, taking some photos that I figured maybe someone would find attractive, and overthinking a shitty bio, I began my journey of endless swiping into the abyss that is tinder.

Now, I’ve come across many issues. As a proud bisexual, I selected that I was interested in both male and female-identifying persons. I have a unisex name, so I’ve had to do the obligatory swiping left of twice the amount of people than the average person. Additionally, I encountered many blurry pictures that appeared to be a beautiful girl with long flowing hair. Then I would check the second picture, and BAM! Hillbilly Bob with a fish in his hand.

That’s another issue. Why so many fish? There are profiles that just consist of guys catching fish. Is the wetness from the fish you just caught supposed to transfer into my crotch through osmosis? I’m not sure whether you should go back to sex-ed, high school biology, or listen through Cardi B’s WAP again.
Being as committed to helping the community as I am. I decided to do some good ol’ fashioned research. With a cup of not-so freshly brewed reheated coffee, I got down to business.

First, let’s go back to sex-ed. Remember in middle or high school when a teacher sat you down and taught you about baby-making if you are from one of the 24 states in the country that require it? If not, don’t worry. Cool fact about vaginas: they get whet when the owner is aroused. Now, I’m not sure where fish come in to play here. There were no definitive answers from my very extensive google search. Is the reason behind fish tinder because fish live in water, which is debatably wet? Is the fish supposed to be arousing? I still had all of these questions.

In regards to high school biology, osmosis is when a fluid passes through a semipermeable membrane until the amount of water and materials on both sides of the membrane is balanced. While fish do absorb water through their gills and skin via osmosis, I still had no answers. Are the fish they catch in need of water to reach equilibrium and they’re posting them to tinder as a sort of gofundme for water?
I needed to change courses yet again. So I pulled up Spotify and listened to the wise words of Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion. So now, without further ado, let’s go over some of the earth-shattering lyrics to WAP, shall we? In regards to the fish debacle, Cardi B does mention needing “a bucket and a mop for this wet ass pussy” multiple times. Sometimes, when fish are caught, they are put in buckets. Are they looking for a donor to help fill buckets for the fish? Was this the answer I was searching for?
Through my extremely intricate and sophisticated research, I was able to finally draw some conclusions. The fish side of Tinder is simply looking for help to care for fish. They are in need of water for the fish to survive. Those with vaginas, or “wet ass pussies” as said wisely by the brilliant Belcalis Marlenis Almánzar, can help the cause.

Categories: around town, October 20, 2020, samantha stillman

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