Attention all students in light of the recent overtaking of student run organizations for the betterment of all student life. CAS is excited to unveil their latest capital swip-OPPORTUNITY for our bright and goal driven student body. Since the news broke that the beloved Otis Mountain Get Down is postponed until 2021, we’ve decided here at the College of Arts and Sciences to take it upon ourselves to publish our own DIY OTIS MOUNTAIN GET DOWN.
Thank you for your continued love support and money and remember… if you don’t get COVID tested, we get paid.
Otis Mountain Get down, the annual diddy nestled comfortably within the picturesque Adirondacks in Elizabethtown, NY where the joints shared are as strong as two blonde, honey dreads entangled during a game of “your tent or mine”. Our scientists here at CAS have boiled down the OTIS experience into six easy to follow steps that will have you clinging your body to a tree wondering, “Is this what all your parents’ hard work has led up too?” And the answer is yes, you piece of shit.
Now let’s get started!
While the music at OTIS might take you “Higher and higher” as Jackie Wilson croons, I know of one other substance that makes blood crawl and skin boil in just the right tantalizing fashion – DRUGS. To begin our UVM OTIS experience, we must start off in a growth mindset. By this I mean we will be ORGANICALLY, CRUELTY-FREE, VEGAN-FRIENDLY extracting our own DMT 🙂 The instructions are simple. First leave your sad, sad dorm room and venture into the forbidden woods of Centennial. Now the hunt begins for Mimosa hostilis root bark, the main component for meeting the toad and finally understanding why Mike Tyson is so wise (Note from Author: please just look this one up). I suggest rolling a lil Ben and Jerrys and smoking it on the way to sharpen your mind, eyes, and mentality to search for the root. Once you have found two good handfuls, we are ready for our next step. In a large mixing bowl add Water, Lye, granulated sodium hydroxide, Vinegar, and Petroleum Ether. Mix well and serve with an ice cold glass of milk or its even tasty enough to serve alone. Put the homemade DMT into an ecoware and you’re ready to begin feeling really weird with strangers who think they know you. But they don’t know you, they never will.
This wouldn’t be white Hippie heaven without a little quirky TIE-DYE. This is an important step in the DIY as this signals both an attractor of a wook Otis partner as well as an easy-to-spot clothing article for your new wook friend to find you after they’ve been off on another midnight existential stroll screaming at the moon. Tie-dye can be expensive as well as it’s always sold out. In this section we are going for all homemade, and what’s more homemade then the hues and textures of the acidic bile lining your stomach. That’s right I’m talking yakkin. First step: put on an all white fit. Second Drink! It’s so easy!! I suggest drinks with vibrant hues as well as nauseatingly sweet flavors. Such as Kool-Aid jammers mixed with whisky, Pink Whitney, UV-Blue straight. The combo of this with your first breakthrough on DMT will absolutely leave you vomiting all over yourself!! It’s cute, casual, AND CHEAP!!
Now this one is an OTIS secret kept by the high hippies of the East. If you’re a veteran UVM goer then you know about this vending machine of tale and wonder. One of the main features of OTIS is its close proximity to nature. Festival goers are able to blast out their backs on the night of the dirt dance floor then wake up the next morning and hike. We believe here at the University of Vermont holds the next best thing right in our own backyard! The state of the art AIKEN greenroom!! Take some time to get away from the perceivement of your roommates while you’re drinking, snorting and tie-dyeing to clear your mind with a little ~nature~. Then take more DMT and try to find the 2nd floor vending machine from the otherside. Push the button and find what the universe gifts upon you (Contains Peanuts, plan accordingly).
Go to Harris Millis and just say you hate PHISH. The wooks will come to you.
Where would we be in life without our Otis wooks? Probably not at Planned Parenthood getting tested for genital herpes that’s for sure. The Otis partner is quintessential to having the true Otis experience. This is the person whom you bond over your mutual love for the sensation of rolling in mud drunk. The person who you can touch mask parts with during a set of the world’s longest unprompted banjo solo. They are gorgeous, donned in a grateful dead tee, no shoes, and of course, a free people skirt that ties between their tri-pierced nipples. Given the current Covid climate one could ask themselves, “Will I ever meet another person like them and… My insider answer for you is YES.
Take your vomit soaked self to the doors of Williams Building, UVM’s haven and hell for art students alike. Now here all that must be done is to spark a lavender clove cigarette up and offer to share your DMT. Certifiably one art hoe will bite and now you can ask, “have you ever thought of being intimate with a stranger in the trees?” IF they are truly OTIS partner material then the response is an enthusiastic yes.
Food Truck Grundle cater
After a long day of not even recollecting if you’ve been listening to music all day, you haven’t. You are ready to hang your crooked flower crown in the best eatery in these Green mountains. The Grundle, like the name, will smell like taint. And that’s exactly where you want to be. Alone, or perhaps with your Otis lovey, in a marked red plastic grundle chair, delusional, drunk, smelling of vomit, piss, and incense, leaves in your hair, itching your crotch cause..genital herpes.
Thank you for joining us on the UVM Otis Mountain Get Down experience. Please email me, CAS Dean William Falls (*This may or may not be allowed idk) for any and all constructive criticisms. I’ll be sure to ignore it in a timely manner.
Oh yeah and one rule NO GLASS.
Categories: creative, October 20, 2020