A great man once said “I wanna fuck the CatBus.” The same great man also once said “the CatBus should have Cat Ears.” This has followed me ever since. It just makes sense! CatBus, Cat Ears, looks cute, gains interest, generates revenue for UVM through enrollment to see the Cat Ears in the flesh, and the CatBus can finally hear what’s going on! It makes so much sense. Too much sense. It’s too easy, too simple. The administration would never fund a plan so easy. I am joined by Ben Bieri to collaborate and analyze just what we can do to improve the CatBus.
should the CatBus have cat ears?
No. For the CatBus to have cat ears would not be enough, it must transform, it must believe it is a cat. It is stuck in this juxtaposition of catniss or not catniss, Schrodingers bus if you will. UVM admin is holding it back from this potential and I dream of the CatBus being alive.
should the CatBus have a litter box?
I think that would go a long way in solving a lot of life’s questions. But again, it needs to have more than just a litterbox, it needs to have a scratching post, it needs to have one of those little funny wheel things that people set up and that cats really love and they’re on twitter recently. You know those wheels I’m talkin about? Like they’re big, they’re like hamster wheels but they’re made out of scratching post material?
And the cats, like, they fuckin love those things. It needs to have one of those. Can you imagine the bus just fuckin running on one? It would be the size of a building. And I think what it needs to have is one of those little chew toys. They shouldn’t be shaped like mice because we need to respect our rodent brethren. But like, like, little birds. Fuck birds, who gives a shit? Like little bird chewing toys and a big stick that you can, like, wave around but it would have to be really big, like bus sized. You know what? I actually correct all of this. I think the Bus Ball should be converted into a fucking, a chew toy. For the UVM CatBus. That’s my answer to your question.
should we take the CatBus to the vet?
No. I don’t believe in science. That’s topical!
how is the CatBus feeling?
A little antsy.
do you think it has enough passengers?
No. I actually think it’s interesting how COVID has transformed the CatBus, there’s not enough people coming in and out of the CatBus at any time. We should really get Shane Dawson on that one. I hear he’s really good at coming in and out of cats.
how many legs should the CatBus have?
I’m a big fan of the standard four. I think it depends on like what kind of CatBus we are going for. Like the Totoro Cat Bus, I think it has eight legs because it’s a spidercat? And there are some cats that don’t have front legs so they put them on little wheels. Those are kinda cool and kinda cute. And there are munchkin cats which have really short legs so I think they should not be counted as four legs. If you put them together you have two normal legs for cats. So. Maybe the CatBus shouldn’t have any legs.
should the CatBus be called the PussyBus?
Pussymobile. That’s what I called my bike in high school. Pussymobile. Or did I call it the pimpmobile? No, I called it the Pimpmobile and then I called it the Benmobile. Anyway. I think yes, under one condition. If we put a big, big anime face on the front of it and change it from a CatBus to a NekoBus, that would be kinda hot. And then it could be called the PussyBus because then I would want to fuck the CatBus.
Categories: 8, interviews, kelsey deemer, october 6, 2020