by william howard taft’s fat fucking ghost

Imagine a country just founded. It’s rules and laws or it’s constitution establishes how the government shall work in those lands. Specifically the government shall consist of a president, appointed to office by the people to head that republic.  Within its first 200 years, with 39 presidents at that point, 4 had been successfully assassinated. That means that on average, every 50 years a president is assassinated. Before going further I would like to say that any calls to assassinate any current president or future president laid out in this article is purely and definitely a parody which is protected under my 1st amendment rights and cannot be charged as treasonous. 

Now that we’ve got that legal mess out of the way, let’s dive into that history for a bit. Now as we talk about these assassinations and assassination attempts we will be critiqueing and rating them based on righteousness, showmanship, and how effectively people remember the events. 

First, we all know of how Abraham Lincoln was assassinated by John Wilkes Booth. Really shitty move from Booth imo, Lincoln was a stand up dude and was just tryna vibe in the theatre. Booth was a theatre kid, little known fact, automatically making him a bitch. There is literally nothing more beta than walking around the backstage area and navigating corridors of a theatre you’re familiar with (because you’re a theatre kid) and walking behind the president and shooting them in the back of the head. Then to top it all off you run out shouting “LIBS OWNED”, fuck off man. Dude deserved the burning barn he died in and far worse. Righteousness: Literal confederate/10, Showmanship: Theatre kid/10, Memory factor: One of the big two, people know how Lincoln died and the bitch who pulled the trigger.

Next, we’ve got James Garfield. Dude was just getting off the train and got pumped full of lead by Charles J. Guiteau. This one’s not as popular as Lincoln, but is sure as fuck interesting. Now it’s one thing if some nobody runs up to you with the heater and takes you out, and it’s another thing if it’s a close friend/colleague. Garfield toughed out his wounds for 11 weeks then kicked the bucket. He was probably gonna be okay if not for the doctors in 1881 constantly jabbing him with their unsterilized fingers. Honestly thinking about it, there’s definitely some tension there between assassination target and assassin…. kinda hot. Like the whole thing is that Charles got shafted by James Garfield as our friend Chuck was really gunning for that appointment as Ambassador to France from Garfield. Then for whatever reason, Garfield chooses some other asshole. Really man? After that bomb ass speech I gave that got you fucking elected? That’s steamy revenge shit that I dig. I feel Chuck’s pain and I hope you do too. Righteousness: Broken heart/10, Showmanship: trains are badass/10, Memory factor: I only knew about this before writing this because Garfield’s great great grandson would go on to create Magic: The Gathering/10.

William McKinley is the 3rd president we’ve had assassinated, and honestly who gives a fuck. He was shot with a gun (fucking lame, someone do this with like a sword or something cool) by Leon Czolgosz. Dude was an anarchist and that’s pretty much the coolest part of this. Everyone started beating the fuck out of him, but Mckinley said “Go easy on him boys” which is pretty fucking badass honestly. Most noteworthy, this assassination lead to the establishment of the Secret Service. Righteousness: Anarchy/10, Showmanship: “Go easy on him boys”/10, Memory factor:no/10.

Here we are folks. The big one. John Fitzgerald Kennedy. Pretty much the only thing people can agree upon when talking about his death is the fact that he was assassinated. After that, the who, what, where, and why have been a topic of debate for almost 60 years now and has led to the birth of modern conspiracy theory. So much of the 20th century and the 21st century was changed by his death. If Kennedy didn’t die, music would suck a little more as we would likely not have continued/escalated the war in Vietnam. The CIA would actually have had some limitations to their power as JFK was planning on cutting their budget. The Civil Rights act or some other contribution to the movement may have happened during the rest of his presidency. Peace and unity between the USSR and the USA may have been a reality if JFK lived longer as he was in talks with top Russian officials to end the cold war. The cold war ending in the 60’s could have lead to a near infinite number of possible futures. There are so many more things that may or may not have happened if JFK just put a top on the fucking presidential limo, and it is certain that the world would be drastically different.

For the sake of not covering conspiracies today, let’s go with the Oswald assassination that the Warren comission deemed true. Lee Harvey Oswald is the “assassin” of JFK. Not only that, but he was a fucking bitch, much like Booth. He was an abuser, a smartass, and overall piece of shit although he did kill a cop after “killing” the president, so not all bad. Now let’s get to the actual meat and potatoes of how he “killed” JFK. Oswald was stationed in the Texas Schoolbook Depository that he worked in on the sixth floor which had a view over Dealey Plaza, where the presidential motorcade drove through on November 22nd, 1963. He sat with his own Carcano bolt action sniper rifle (which he was very well acquainted with) and shot at and “killed” JFK. I won’t get into the nitty gritty of where all the shots landed on JFK’s body, or any of the ballistics that goes into the “magic bullet theory”. Essentially, the president’s head fucking exploded in the middle of a parade. Shortly after, Oswald was arrested and promptly assassinated by Jack Ruby as the original assassins was being transported to another facility. With Oswald’s death, so died the truth die about Kennedy’s death. The idea is that Oswald, a communist, killed the president as a way of saying fuck this capitalist shit which I can get behind but also there’s way better ways of doing that man. Righteousness: JFK being alive would probably have been good maybe idk if you like a president you’re diseased/10, Showmanship: Oswald hid in a window and like two people saw him, wasn’t point blank like the others/10, Memory factor: Ask who killed JFK the next time you’re at a party. Everyone is an expert on this assassination.  

Here is the problem at hand. It has been 57 years since a true assassination of a president with the death of John F. Kennedy. Statistically, we are due for another dead president. We are 44 years into this next chunk of time (50 years) in which another president should be assassinated. Time is running out, folks. There have been a few attempts on this sitting president’s life, two of them breaking bad ricin letter style which is badass, but would be more badass if it worked. It is up to us, the people, to keep the deeply rooted american tradition of dead presidents alive. If Covid-19 doesn’t off this current one, it may be left to the true patriots among us.

Categories: october 6, 2020