Sock Market, Sock Market, Read all about it!

by bs

Wall Street is predicting a sock market boom with the onset of the presidential election. After the first presidential debate on September 29th, socks have soared. Both laypeople and investors are putting money into socks as a result of some really fucking cool new options featuring phrases like (each according to their respective sock, the former being left and latter being right): “Just Shut/Up Man”; “Law and/Order”; “Can I Vote/For Chris Wallace”; “Biden is/a Socialist”; “Insulin So Cheap/It’s Like Water”; “Ohio Is/Proud of Me”; and of course, “China Ate/Your Lunch Joe.”

Investors scrambled to purchase socks as soon as the market opened the next morning, September 30th, at a ripe and early 9:30ET. West coast investors, eager to do anything but clean their forest floors, were up as early as 6:30 to get their hands on these socks. With such a healthy economy as we have today, brokers are comfortably buying long socks, investing in socks as little as an inch above the ankle, all the way to so far above the knee that they’re just below one’s crotch. Another result of this booming sock market is the selling of short socks, socks less than an inch above the ankle and anything less that can still adhere to a foot.

In light of the pandemic, many questions have been asked about the legitimacy of this sock market boom. If an economy absolutely tanks, and then any amount of money is put into it, of course it will boom. Is this something we as a country should boast about? Though these issues are pressing, there are far more concerning questions on the minds of investors and brokers currently. Examples of these, worded as apolitically as possible, include: “what the FUCK are toesocks?”, “why is the Sox Market on Church St spelled like that?”, “what might happen to the sock market if we have a generation of feetless people (again)?”.

The debate of September 29th was one of many, and as both candidates get more geriatric, even more socks are expected to boom. Biden took low jabs at Trump by asking him to list all the numbers he could in 10 seconds (Trump responding with a variety of numbers including: 3, 1,000,000; 3,000,000, a billion), with Trump retaliating with even more animosity, going so far as to tell VP Biden, “You’re not invited to my birthday party anymore.” In a time where our sock market is so closely dependent on politics, one thing is certain: the lower the blows, the warmer the toes.

Categories: news, october 6, 2020

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