Since the very beginning, humans have dreamed of the art of flight. We have pointed up at the birds in the sky and said, “Look at those bastards. We should be able to do that.” Countless cultures and individuals have expressed this concept differently, from the flying Vinama palaces of Hindu mythology to the Greek tale of Icarus to the flying machines in Da Vinci’s notebooks. Recently, thanks to the Wright brothers, we have finally conquered the sky, and the private sector is now itching like a drug addict for a new environ to exploit. A certain Elongated Muskrat has even decided to conquer space by filling it with teslas. I, of course, have my own plans for the sky.
Once, as a young sprout, I dreamed of Manta Rays flying through the air, and since that day, it has been my quest to make this a reality. Such is my pledge, an oath sworn upon the bones of my ancestors: “I will get those fuckers airborne if it’s the last thing to do, or my full and legal name isn’t Maxwell James Graveline Heath.” Some may call this plan stupid, needless, cruel or downright deranged. They are fools who cannot appreciate the opportunity which nature has granted to us, and someday, when I have more money and time than I do as an unemployed college student, I will prove them wrong. The Manta Ray is perfect for flight. They already glide like birds through the water. There are two, only two, problems to solve, and the first of these isn’t even a problem at all, really. It’s simply a question of how many helium party balloons it takes before a 3600-pound creature of the depths rises onwards and upwards like a god of the sky. The second problem is admittedly more complex, but if Manta Rays can manage to pull off something as cool as breathing water, then I maintain that with sufficient genetic engineering or some kind of backwards scuba tank they could survive the open air.
Elon Musk, Wilbur and Orville Wright, Leonardo Da Vinci – these names will one day be enshrined alongside the moniker of the visionary who put fish in the sky. The future is now, dorks.
Categories: max heath, news, october 6, 2020