an introvert’s patch notes for society under quarantine

by sethwade

Fixed a bug that produced forgotten friends and distant relatives wanting to reach out, check in, catch up. Deepfake avatars will now intervene.

Removed Zoom.

Corrected an issue where some felt the urge to host lockdown parties. Object permanence shall now be suspended for those with such compulsions.

Added virtual simulation for essential components of democracy like voting or court hearings via Minecraft and Animal Crossing.

Expanded living space of those sheltered in place by 300% to ensure privacy for all masturbating household members.

Lowered expectations.

Added a massive matrix of tubes connecting households and businesses, allowing quick and face-free delivery of essential goods.

Removed hoarders.

Adjusted gravity for outdoor venues. Joggers, hikers, and others defying stay-at-home-orders will now just float away into the clouds.

Installed free and universal healthcare for all, because duh. 

Binge-watching now expends more calories than a full-body workout, allowing viewers to remain mindfully lethargic in bed.

Replaced news anchors with small animals wearing goofy hats, lightening the mood when revealing daily death totals.

Updated birdsongs to consist of soothing orchestral scores. 

Doorbells now electrocute.

Replaced go-getting cultural icons with passive replicas. Picture Beyoncé but comatose.

Removed disbelief.

Categories: 8

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