by katierearden and kathrynbrown

A quick Google search of the name “Joe Biden”, the supposed Democratic frontrunner, immediately brings up an Atlantic article titled “Stay Alive, Joe Biden.” Of course, we would never waste our time reading this–being in Gen Z, we only get our news from Twitter. 

It’s no secret that the former vice president’s whereabouts are unknown, which is especially alarming given COVID-19. Be honest: is being anti-Trump without even addressing climate justice and healthcare as a right a winning presidential platform?

We have heard shockingly little from the senile man, which has been thoroughly noted by various online platforms (r/Joeisdead, Brandon Wardell’s Twitter). Biden’s disappearance from the national stage has undoubtedly raised concerns for his wellbeing; it also begs the question, “Why the hell is this presidential candidate in hiding during the most drastic pandemic this world has faced in over one-hundred years?” Even an amphibian can make it through the storm; why can’t Joe?

Even though Biden’s rough n’ tough lizard-like skin is not as shiny as it once was, the glow of the Obama era still shines deeply within his eyes. This glow is, of course, not enough to distract us from the ever-increasing signs of dementia this man exhibits on the daily.

But it was neither Joe’s longstanding battle with dementia or his habit of cornering little girls just so he can whisper sweet little nothings in their ears that killed him.

 It was the lobotomy.

When good ol’ Dementia Joe showed trouble completing sentences, the Democratic establishment decided they couldn’t take any more risks (i.e. letting him have control over his own stream of consciousness). After he tweeted “Beans. Dry beans. Soak em up in water, add the cumin. God bless the troops and boats on the lakes, can’t get enough of them,” the Dems knew they had to act now and act fast. Of course, Bernie Sanders was not an option, because sociawism iws bawad!!!

So Nancy Pelosi and Corey Booker teamed up to implant a small chunk of brain from newfound liberal hero Mitt Romney, who joined the ranks of the Doers of the Bare Minimum after being the only Republican in the Senate to vote to remove Trump from office. Your dad probably love reacted a New York Times article that applauded the senator for this action.

The plan to perform this procedure was kept under wraps for weeks. 

We here at the water tower have received official word from insiders at not only the Pentagon, but also the Wilmington, DE Chuck-E-Cheese, one of the former Vice President’s most frequently visited hotspots in his hometown. 

Biden reportedly ambushed the Chuck-E-Cheese with stitches still implanted into his skull. “Let me in! Let me see that goddamned mouse in the suit! I HAVE MY TOKENS! I NEED SLINKY.”

 But Ol’ Geriatric Joe would never see that slinky. 

He was reportedly whisked away by secret security moments after his attempted entry. This, however, was not before manager Dixie Normous, spotted the gigantic, lobotomy sized scar on Biden’s cranium. 

If this isn’t enough proof for you, then good riddance!

Categories: kathryn brown, katie rearden, news

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