by kathrynbrown

It’s no secret that downtown Burlington is home to a plethora of delinquents, whether it be the infamous crack squirrels, neighbors who blast EDM at 2 a.m. on a Tuesday, or your landlord who charges $725 a month for rent–without utilities. But sometimes, someone commits a crime so heinous that even the most skilled of law enforcement officers can’t place a finger on who or what is the culprit. Sometimes, you walk home from work to find that someone or something has defecated right on your front steps. You wonder who could hate you so much to the point that they shit on your property, but have no idea how you could possibly narrow it down, so you let your mind wander. Below are some possible suspects.

Drake Bell

This one is very plausible, as there is concrete evidence of the Nickelodeon star and wannabe Lil Pump thoroughly enjoying himself at Ake’s. As my apartment is a 3 minute walk from said establishment, it would make sense that the former child star and touring musician had a few too many Moscow mules and thought that Buell Street was the perfect spot to take a dump.

Drake

This one is a little less plausible, but champagnepapi has been throwing us all wildcards beit through his relationship with 18-year old model Bella B. Harris and even worse, friendship with 14-year old Millie Bobby Brown. This man is all over the place, and he’s from Canada, right? That’s close to Vermont, right? Definitely could have pooped on my porch.

Past tenant’s ex-lover

I am most inclined to believe this one, even though it’s pretty boring. I imagine that whoever lived in my apartment before me had a terrible breakup and angered their ex to the point that they got drunk enough to forget that said person did not renew their lease. Also, they probably just really had to take a dump.

Actor David Cross

I’ll be completely honest here and say that Actor and Comedian David Cross is one of the funniest people to have ever lived and I would be an honor and a pleasure to have him visit my front steps. However, I would argue no matter how cool you are it’s still not cool to poop on someone’s porch. If David Cross actually pooped on my porch he would lose around 2 to 3 cool guy points.

A dog

This would be a possibility I am more ok with, but the laws of physics with which I am barely familiar state that said dog would have had to be in a stance resembling a twerk–like a full body, paws on the ground, ass in the air sort of pose. I don’t think any Burlingtonian dog could accomplish such a feat.

Rally Cat

Obviously, animals have a more natural inclination to poop outside than most humans of the developed world, but Rally Cat is one capable of crossing the animal/human dichotomy. So maybe he pooped on my porch. 

A bird

Big if true. This bird just took the most massive dump of all time.

Editor in Chief Claire Tattersfield

Claire said she didn’t do it, but I’m not all that convinced. After all, she has been known to shrimp the houses of men who wrong her friends, which entails depositing raw shrimp somewhere and they eventually start to smell. Respecting private property is a social construct, and Claire is fully aware of this.

I don’t think I’ll ever find out who pooped the porch. If you did it and you’re reading this, please don’t do it again. It was really gross.

Categories: around town, kathryn brown