art also by andrew salerno
On behalf of the water tower news, I present to you my carefully curated list of animated characters I found sexy when I was a child. I hope that some of you find yourself in agreement with me, and I also hope that none of you yuck-my-yum. My choices are not ranked by number, but instead coexist peacefully with each other.
This one is a completely understandable contender for this list, I can’t think of one person who didn’t think Danny was hot. He was like, kind of moody but was always nice to his friends? He exuded major Timothée Chalamet energy and I that we should be aware of it now. I would accept regular Danny, but for this list I think I’m ideally thinking of Danny Phantom when he’s a sexy ghost.
Mega nice dad status, not necessarily a “daddy” but definitely the smart, mature adult man you want in your life. He was good with kids too, which is nice for me because I am a child myself and want to be treated as such in a relationship.
Kovu (Scar’s son from the Lion King 2) had the bad boy thing literally nailed down. Ok yes he’s a lion, but one look into his smoldering lion eyes and another glare at his emo boy hair and you knew he was hot. If you agree with this one, please reach out to me for further discussion.
Honey, you mean HUNKULES! Herc is the physical embodiment of every scary beefy man I see lifting weights in the smelly room at the Patrick Gym. I wanted him to body slam me, and then take me on a beautiful Pegasus ride after.
The Brawny Man
Totally looks like he works at Outdoor Gear Exchange and is able to handle cleaning up a big mess. He inspires me every day with his love of paper towels and having a beard.
If you didn’t find human Shrek hot during his short appearance in Shrek 2, I’m upset with you. He was the thick slab of handsome fairytale man we didn’t know we needed. He was still incredibly gross and best of all, loved his lady and his boys.
He had muscles AND loved the environment? Case closed.
Sorry Daphne! Fred is a fag. His bell bottoms and bandana spoke to the little queer inside me and inspired me years later to wear MY bandana like a gay person too. The team leader thing was kind of hot too, I bet his foreplay is like, “Gang let’s split up and look for clues, WE’LL stay back and do some looking around” and then he performs oral on me.
The sexiest part about Link was that he didn’t speak, hands down. Not only that, but his beautiful feminine features in conjunction with a hankering for monster slayage drove me wild. The definitive twink.
Andy from Toy Story 3
I remember bawling my eyes out at the end of Toy Story 3, when Andy left his childhood toys with the new little girl I couldn’t even see I was crying so hard. After going home and thinking about the movie for a while, I came to the realization that Andy was now hot as he left for college. I saw the movie again with this fresh perspective, and the whole time I thought about what a fucking sad-hot nerd Andy was. So hot, so sentimental.