the news in brief

“I’m not sure I even know what socialism is…I just don’t have the background”

-Vermont Democratic gubernatorial candidate Christine Hallquist, on whether she prefers socialist practices over capitalist practices. Since making national headlines for being the first openly transgender candidate, a lot of media scrutiny has been placed on her and her progressive peers regarding their socialist practices like universal health care and a living wage. Is that socalism, though, or just being a decent person?

“Once again an investigation has concluded with a plea having nothing to do with President Trump or the Trump campaign. The reason: the President did nothing wrong. Paul Manafort will tell the truth.

-the diaper-wearer-in-chief’s legal counsel re: the Russia probe following Rudy Giuliani’s plea deal. After a re-release of the statement, the last sentence was removed, likely to provide some wiggle room in the event that Manafort was indicted (which he was). So Manafort was gonna tell the truth, but since he took a plea deal, suddenly he’s lying? Something smells fishy, and this time it’s not Trump’s diaper. 

“I stand with Nike, all day, every day.”

-LeBron James, following the release of the Colin Kaepernick series of advertisements that read “Believe in something, even if it means sacrificing everything,” which is really cool because guess what? Kaep’s still unemployed and Eli Manning is still the Giants quarterback even though he hasn’t played a decent game in over 4 years. But it’s a talent issue, we swear. Either way, Nike sales are up 31% and some dumb racists went to the hospital for setting their shoes on fire while wearing that, so there’s at least some poetic justice. 

“The latest act of resistance is the op-ed published in the failing New York Times by an (attempt to say anonymous), really an (attempt to say anonymous), gutless coward.”

-The Great White Fart himself, speaking about the author of the anonymous op-ed written by a senior White House official for the New York Times that made waves for a week and a half. Maybe it would have been more threatening if he could pronounce “anonymous.”

Categories: news


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