space force!!!! u.s. takes over the galaxy

by danbrainerd

As if the United States doesn’t spend enough on its military budget annually, this summer came with the announcement of the sixth branch of the Armed Forces: Space Force. Yeah, you read that right, a fucking SPACE FORCE. Donald Trump is back at his whole loosely-hinged-in-total-power thing, but this time it’s with a new twist: sending soldiers to space. Who does this guy think he is, Kennedy or something? Chill with all this stuff, you’re just trying to look cool. Anyway, here is a real excerpt of Donald Trump’s actual words on the Space Force.

This segment is an actual, unedited speech from US president Donald Trump given on Monday, September 3, 2018, at the chief press secretary White House correspondents’ dinner. 

Trump on the Space Force: “America, we need the Space Force, and let me tell you why. Certain people, like that nasty crooked Hillary might disagree with me. But I am the president, and my opinion is the very best anyway. Our main concern is to keep Mexicans off of the moon. This may sound like a really far shot away, but there has been talk of the Mexican peoples’ lunar aspirations. They’ve decided that because of our totally outstanding border patrol, that it would be way easier to just colonize the moon rather than try to get to America. They’ve started building a really big ladder to the moon. They’re only about 3,794 years from completing it. Time is running out, America. We need this space force so the Mexicans can’t colonize the moon with their criminals and illegals. Also, Space Communism is a real issue and we need to stop it. That is all.” 

There are so many holes in this cockamamie nonsense. Queen Elizabeth should just send her redcoats to the states now while they’re ripe for the taking. Like is this guy really afraid of people living in Mexico building a ladder and going to the moon? It’s not like the US owns the fucking moon anyway. Yeah, America landed there and shit, but that doesn’t mean it’s automatically US territory. And how are people going to breathe in space, let alone get enough stuff to build a ladder that tall? This guy needs to think it through. 

It is hard to understand Trump’s concern with the moon and space. Did he actually receive a degree in astronomy or some shit? Is he trying to watch the stars from up close? There are bigger fish to fry here, Trumpty-Dumpty. With so many “shithole countries” in the world, why focus on the moon? Shouldn’t he instead care more about dumping money into homeland security and keeping people from the Middle East out of America? Although he looks like an orange, he isn’t exactly sweet (haha, get it?) on foreign people. Maybe a proper title would be Donald “lemonhead” Trump. Then at least other countries would be warned about this guy’s actual character. A mixture of orange-colored sour hatred, complete with toupee and MAGA hat.

If space is the concern, shouldn’t the US focus primarily on how to stop the universe from one day reaching absolute zero? Like the end of the universe is pretty concerning, and Trump is thinking about Mexico, STILL, and space communism? Maybe Fidel Castro’s death was a conspiracy, and he’s out there floating in the void. God forbid he spreads communist propaganda to the aliens. The Space Force is just an extra expensive air force coated with sprinkles, a cherry on top, and forced down America’s throats while all the other countries make fun of it­–exactly what good ol’ George Washington would’ve wanted.

This has been Dan Brainerd reporting for The Water Tower on Donald Trump’s proposed plan for the Space Force. Here’s to another two years with this spray tanned lump. God save the Queen. Free press: 1, Space Force: 0.

Categories: Uncategorized


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