mom, our new dad is here

a promotion from a water tower sponsor

by kylemac


I personally have always been jealous of the boy in my 8th grade english class whose step-dad brings in an extra large cheese pizza from Gino’s for his lunch. I’ve also always envied the girl in my 10th grade homeroom whose step-dad lets her play urban music in the family sports utility vehicle. They made me wish that my step-dad was not a Ned Flanders clone and stopped his passive aggressive advances like putting a catcher’s mitt on top of my weed stash with a note saying “Life always has a healthy alternative :)”. While Ned Schneebly isn’t the worst father figure, I always had an assumption that my mom has the clout to pull a young professional in his early 30s with a little pizzaz in his stride. 

With Step-Box I can finally explore the spectrum of step-dads, some of which are quite familiar and others are an exotic breed that have provided an interesting experience. This month Step-Box sent our household a spicier variety, a man that seems to be a cross between Robert De Niro and the shark from Shark Tale who didn’t want to be a part of the family business. While it’s great Shark De Niro is teaching me the old Brooklyn street games like “Stickball” and “Socking the living shit out of anyone who isn’t Italian,” his dated methods of discipline can get a bit rough.  The great thing about Step-Box is that if the product I receive isn’t satisfactory, I get a brand new one in a month; while people with real bad dads have to permanently deal with their unfortunate circumstances. Last month Step-Box sent me a defective dad, he was perfectly great as a father figure, he had this cool 4th generation educated Jewish thing going on like Nick Kroll, but I can tell from my mother’s face in the morning that the sparks simply weren’t flying when the sun went down.  With Step-Box’s great 24/7 customer support line I had a care package sent to my door the next day and things have been running smoothly on both the homefront and the bed-front ever since. 

Current pricing for Step-Box is $49.99 a month and it covers both shipping and handling, but for an extra $24.99 you can opt for the premium Step-Box option which I think is a great investment. The premium subscription offers on site support should your step dad ever turn out to be a radical eco-terrorist with arsonistic tendencies. The premium package also includes step siblings as long as you sign a legal document stating that you will not experiment with them in case of liability issues that may come up. Unless however your step sibling turns out to be Paul Rudd. My friend who signed up for the premium package has raved about how cool that the step brother he received this month was not only “super chill” but also a Kratom plug. For those who want to try the subscription service but is deathly afraid of anything resembling a commitment, it is now bundled together with your student Spotify account.

Categories: cooler, kyle mac


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