1. Carry a cutting board on you at all times to chop and dice up some aromatics to fill the car with a more natural smell. Drivers especially love it when you hold thyme up to their noses while on a busy road.
2. Just walk.
3. If your driver asks you if the music is okay start breathing heavily as in some communities this is an alternative way to say “No but go off king.”
4. Offer them kratom.
5. Offer them kratom again, but more of it this time.
6. Hold your head out the window like the dirty disgusting dog you really are.
7. Pretend as if your driver is Oscar-winning actress Michelle Pfeiffer even though they aren’t. It’s really endearing to hear a compliment like that and sometimes it just brighten up your mood.
8. Tell the driver you need to run errands, it gives them a sense of purpose in life.
9. Lean back.
10. Make direct eye contact with them while exiting the vehicle and proclaim that you “had to do it to ‘em” .
11. Ask them if they like to do kratom.
12. Kindly tell your driver that your uber passenger rating is only a 4.0, and then offer to drive them next time.
13. Just be yourself.
14. Ask them what their relationship with their father is like, and then ask them if they’ve ever heard of Sigmund Freud.
15. Every 15 minute interval, ask your driver what time is it. And then say the phrase “oooweee wooow i’m gonna be late for my errands!!!”
16. Hit ‘em with “Sooo where do you get your ideas from?”
17. Where’s Harvey Dent.
18. No seriously where is he.
19. Say the magic phrase “Ohh driver! Which way to the renaissance fair?!”
20. Act like a New York City tourist and tell your driver you’re not tipping unless they switch to an open decker bus.
Categories: water cooler